


All Mushrooms Are Edible

by imaginary_golux



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Age Regression/De-Aging, Fluff, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-28
Updated: 2020-02-28
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:42:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22934251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imaginary_golux/pseuds/imaginary_golux
Summary: This is why Thorin's Company should let Bilbo do all the foraging. BecauseBilboknows better than to bring back a whole mess of Youth Mushrooms, dammit.Beta by my Best Beloved, Turn_of_the_Sonic_Screw.
Relationships: Bilbo Baggins & Thorin Oakenshield, Bilbo Baggins & Thorin's Company
Comments: 24
Kudos: 266
Collections: February Ficlet Challenge 2020





	All Mushrooms Are Edible

This, _this_ is why the dwarves should let Bilbo do all the foraging.

He gets back to camp just in time to see them all digging into a big heap of sauteed mushrooms, and not in time to _stop_ them. Not that he’s quite sure how to stop thirteen hungry dwarves, but…

Well, they’re all at _least_ twice his age, right? There’s no chance of any...unfortunate accidents. He hopes.

He stands at the edge of the clearing rubbing his forehead and waiting, and it’s only a few minutes before Kili says, “I feel odd.”

“Are you _sure_ those mushrooms were edible?” Thorin rumbles, and before anyone can answer, there’s a series of small, oddly organic noises, and then there are thirteen very _small_ dwarves in the clearing, all of them looking very unhappy indeed.

Bilbo sighs and steps forward. “There now,” he says, to the startled dwarflings. “There now, I’m here, come on, come here, let me make sure you’re alright.”

It’s a good thing they _are_ dwarves. Kili is an infant, no more than a year old at most. Fili is only barely older, and Ori is _tiny_. On the other end, Oin and Balin are both - well, if they were hobbits, Bilbo would think they were fifteen or sixteen, old enough to be helpful, at any rate. “Come here, lads,” Bilbo orders them. “Help me gather everyone up.”

“What is going _on_ , Mister Baggins?” Balin demands, herding Thorin and Dwalin ahead of him like a pair of cats. Thorin is...maybe ten, in hobbitish terms, gawky and beardless and _adorable_. Bilbo knows better than to say _that_ out loud, though.

“You ate the mushrooms,” he says instead, picking Kili and Fili up and putting them on a bedroll, where they roll over to hold onto each other. Dori, almost as old as Balin and Dwalin, has both of his brothers on his lap already, and is holding them protectively close.

“The _mushrooms_?” Oin demands. “Gandalf said there were no hazardous plants in the area!”

_Gandalf_. Bilbo sighs. He might have known.

“Well, they’re _not_ hazardous, unless you eat too many,” he says. “Come on, circle up, let me make sure we’ve got everyone.”

Oin and Balin help round everyone up properly, and Bilbo counts: Fili and Kili on the bedroll, Oin with Gloin in his lap, Balin with one hand on Dwalin’s shoulder and the other on Thorin’s, Dori holding Nori and Ori close, Bifur - _axeless_ \- cradling Bofur and Bombur in his arms. “Right then!” Bilbo says. “So, this should wear off in about three days. You all still have your adult _memories_ , but you’re going to be acting a lot more like your current _age_. It’s something about the younger bodies. So we’re going to camp _right here_ until Gandalf gets back from wherever he’s gone this time or you grow up again, whichever comes first.” He pauses, and finally adds, “And from now on, _I_ check any mushrooms you want to eat.”

“Yes, Mister Baggins,” comes a ragged chorus from ten throats - Fili and Kili and Ori being far too young to _speak_ at the moment.

*

Very young dwarves, Bilbo quickly learns, are just as much trouble as the larger sort, but a lot more energetic about it. They all manage to get some sleep that night - helped by the exhaustion of having been de-aged - but the next morning, all the dwarves are up with the sun, and they’re all _bouncy_. Bilbo delegates Dori and Bifur to look after the babies - mostly since getting Dori to let go of Ori _isn’t happening_ \- and tries to lead the other eight of them on a foraging expedition, which...mostly works. He has enough plants to make a decent stew, at any rate. But then he has no idea what to do with them for the rest of the day, and it’s _Balin_ , who he had mostly been counting on to be _sensible_ , who suggests a brawl.

“A _what_?” Bilbo squawks.

“Khazad ai-menu!” yells Dwalin, and flings himself onto Thorin. Bofur cheers and joins the fray, followed closely by Gloin and Nori. Oin sneaks up behind Balin and yanks on his hair, and then there are seven dwarflings rolling about in the grass, yelping with what Bilbo sure hopes is glee.

Bombur skirts around the fray and settles down beside Bifur, who pats his shoulder and hands him Fili and Kili...and then leaps up and goes charging cheerfully into battle.

Bilbo sits down on a log and rubs his forehead. Fauntlings are rambunctious, but they’re not _violent_ , and hobbits who have been foolish enough to eat Youth Mushrooms are usually too busy gleefully dancing the way they used to be able to as children or hiding in spots that have grown too small or otherwise getting into small bits of mischief that they never do anything like _this_.

“Mister Baggins,” Thorin says, and Bilbo looks up. “You needn’t fret so.”

Thorin as a child is _painfully_ adorable. He’s all gawky, not yet grown into his majestic nose, not yet filled out into a proper broad dwarven chest and shoulders. His hair is coal-black, not streaked with silver, and his beard is no better than Kili’s usually is.

“Dwarrow are sturdy folk,” Thorin continues, and oh Yavanna, his voice hasn’t even _broken_ yet. He might be trying to sound as imposing and stern as he usually does, but it loses a lot of dignity in a childish high tenor. “We won’t be harmed by a bit of a brawl.”

“You’re _children_ ,” Bilbo says, a little plaintively.

“Unexpectedly true,” Thorin says, and to Bilbo’s surprise, his lips quirk in an actual _smile_. “Dwarrow children are very, very sturdy. We have to be.” Behind him, Dwalin and Bifur go rolling by in a ball, yelling incoherently in the dwarven tongue. The other dwarves clap wildly at the display. “None of us will have worse than bruises from this.”

“Oh good,” Bilbo says.

Thorin, to his surprise, sits down beside him. “Thank you for your explanation, yesterday,” he says. “This was...disconcerting.” He holds out his slender, unscarred child’s hand and regards it with an air of bemusement.

“Yes, well, next time ask _me_ before you eat any strange mushrooms,” Bilbo says.

“Gandalf said there were no dangerous plants in the area.”

Bilbo thinks about that for a moment, then heaves a deep sigh. “I’m going to set his beard on fire, really I am. Youth Mushrooms aren’t really dangerous unless you eat too many - and mushrooms aren’t plants. They’re fungi.”

“ _Wizards_ ,” says Thorin, with deep disgust. “He’s probably watching this and laughing at us.”

“Probably,” Bilbo agrees. “It seems like the sort of thing he’d do.”

“These mushrooms do not grow near our settlements,” Thorin says, shifting a little to get more comfortable. The brawl is still going strong - it’s now Dwalin versus all comers, and he’s roaring happily. “What other dangers do we not know of, I wonder?”

“Well, I could teach you,” Bilbo says, a little awkwardly. “About plants, anyhow. And fungi.”

Thorin considers that. “That would be very helpful, Mister Baggins.”

“Bilbo,” Bilbo says.

“That would be very helpful, Bilbo,” Thorin says, trying to look formal and imposing, and only managing to look even more adorable.

“And you can tell me things like...oh, the fact that dwarves like to hit each other a lot for fun,” Bilbo says, eying the brawl. Balin and Dwalin are back to back now, fending off the others with buffets and laughter.

“Dwarrow,” Thorin says. “It’s the proper plural.”

“Dwarrow,” Bilbo says, and leans back against the tree behind them. He might actually have to _thank_ Gandalf, drat the man, if this misadventure genuinely results in him and Thorin becoming _friends_.

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the FFC prompt "De-aging."


End file.
